First time I ever truly thought...

Yesterday at work was the first time I ever truly thought this, and it scared me to death because it felt so natural, and because I don't yet know if living as a woman is even going to be possible.  The thought (giving it the proper tonal inflection) was this: "he is cute."  It wasn't forced, I wasn't thinking anything similar...it just came out of nowhere.  Needless to say, I was kind of freaking out for the rest of my shift lol.

Unexplained Feelings

I heard the song "You'll be in My Heart" by Phil Collins on the way to class today, and these lyrics really stuck out to me.

Why can't they understand
The way we feel?
They just don't trust
What they can't explain

It fits perfectly with how I feel, and how I'm sure a lot of us feel with similar feelings.

Preferences

So, growing up as a male, despite never feeling like I fit in with the guys totally, I still grew up as a man, and was therefore taught/expected to follow general male tendencies.  I also am still physically male, and mostly grew up with all the male desires, including to a degree the desire to love a woman, hold her close and be everything to her, and care for her with all that I had.  I've never been attracted to women the way that most men describe it, but I did fall madly in love with a woman at one point in my life, and I married her.  I would have done anything for that woman, and if she hadn't divorced me, I would never be able to think about my desires to live as a woman, as I've felt I should be my entire life.  Even though the jury is still out on whether I have the female organs and possibly have the option of truly living as a woman or not, I never would have been able to consider changing despite how I feel, because of how I felt about her.  As it is, she did leave, there is no hope of getting her back, I do still feel like a woman, I just might have the parts to live as a woman, and I am considering it, a lot.  Along those lines, lately I've really let my female side have me, and I've never been more comfortable in my life, and I've never desired the strong arms of a man to hold me and keep me safe, to surround me with his love, and for me to truly be able to return the feeling.  This feeling/desire feels so much more natural to me, at least as far as I've let myself think about it, not wanting too much heartache if it turns out I can't have it.

Beyond Heartbroken

This is a text that I just sent to a friend in responce to his statement and question:

I thought you wanted to fight to be a guy. Or was that because of church and family?

And this was my response:

Because of church and family. And the church is against a "sex change" but if I have the parts, it would be just getting rid of what I don't need (the male parts) and living like I should (as a woman), or at least that is what I'm hoping and praying for, and if I really do have the parts and the church says no to my being a woman, I don't know what I'll do, I'd be beyond heart broken to get rid of my female parts.  It would be like killing me and making me live on life support against my wishes.

Test results

So, my chiropractor tested me in his way, and I seem to have both male and female reproductive organs.  He is looking for a specialist for me to get an actual medical test done, some sort of ultrasound or something.  Having this information is quite the relief, and also quite the burden.  It's a relief because I know that there is actually something causing my feelings; but a burden because I have no one to confide in.  I'm utterly alone.  I've never fit in anywhere socially in my life because of my gender disphoria, so try as I might, I don't really have friends, just a couple of closer people that I know from college.  I could confide in them, perhaps, but they always have seemed too busy in the past when I've tried to do less.  Why then, should I try to confide in them with something like this, despite my utter need for a friend right now?  So this is me, pacing the halls waiting for my next class, deep in the despair of being alone and not fully knowing what to do.

Going crazy?

I sure wonder a lot if I'm just going crazy with the 2 sides going back and forth in my head all the time, or if I really am more a woman than a man in any way...and how in the world do you tell the difference?  And what path do you follow in either case?

Tears and Prayer

I sure don't feel like a guy, and I'm tired to trying to be one, and it's so emotionally painful that it's near impossible to describe, but it's against my religion to change and be who I feel I am with what this subject matter is, so what in the world am I supposed to do?  I just finnished, once again, pouring my heart out to God, once again on the verge of tears, asking the same question...

A little catch up

Here are a couple of thoughts that helped to inspire this blog before it was created :)

1/16/2012 8:30pm

I so just want to come out of the closet, so to speak, and be able to just talk girl talk with the gals at work. Its painful to try to be Asher and not Ashley, and it would be so, so easy to join in. It feels unnatural to not join in, to not just he "natural" and "who I am." And yes, I'm on the verge of tears right now...

1/17/12 1:20pm

(After watching Breaking Dawn part 1 for the first time btw...)

soooo confusing and conflicting...wanting to be a man and love a woman with all that you have and are, having her be the reason you for your existence; and being a woman, surrounded in those loving, gentle arms, he being everything you need, and you wanting to be everything to him, the center of his world, and with him as your eternal protector, to love and hold...