The grass isn't always greener on the other side...

 We've all heard the saying, "the grass is greener on the other side,"  and in a lot of cases, I agree with that particular cliche saying.  This saying, however, is hardly all encompassing, and in the case of gender identity, I believe this saying to be totally irrelevant.  I have dealt with gender identity my entire life.  I have distinct recollections of my being curious about my gender and disliking it, that date back to 2nd grade for me.  In all that time, when I've thought of this saying, or someone I've told about my gender issues has told me this saying, I've never felt that it fit my situation.

I've had a very long time to think about this, to ask myself, and honestly answer to myself if my "problem" was simply that I thought the grass was greener somewhere else and I wanted it.  The more I think on this topic, the more I feel that I'm not saddened by the yellowed grass of my life and I long to move away for greener pastures somewhere else, but the more I feel I would do anything to nurture the grass I've been given to make it as green as is possible, even if that green was yellowed or browned compared to everyone else's grass around me.  Here is where this analogy gets a little more complicated for someone with gender identity disorder...their grass isn't green, their grass isn't even completely brown and dead...their grass is growing upside down, roots above the soil, and the blades of grass completely hidden beneath the rich brown earth in which they are trying to grow.

This is how we see the world in which we live, or at least a fitting description of it, as everyone is unique, and every situation is never exactly the same.  The very first way that we are labeled as when we come into this world is "it's a beautiful baby girl" or "it's a beautiful baby boy."  This first label then defines our entire lives.  From that moment on, a course in life is set for us, and though the road we travel is wide open and anything can happen, but we are completely barred from that other path that can be taken if we had been born a different gender.  Those of us who live every moment of our lives with gender identity disorder, from that first thought that sounds something like "my gender is wrong", or "I feel like I should be a man, but I was born a woman", or in my case walking to the bus in the morning back in 2nd grade "what is this thing between my legs that is in the way?", from that first thought, we start questioning everything in life, trying to make sense of it.  That first thought, that first question, can be compared to someone who has always been blind their whole life seeing the sun for the very first time.  However, in the case of this analogy, the blind person has gender identity disorder and they have just seen the grass around them for the first time, and to their horror, despite everything they have heard, their grass isn't green...it isn't even yellowed...and dead grass would be far better than what they see.  Their grass is trying, in what seems like complete futility, to grow upside down, with their roots reaching towards the sky.

Realizing that you truly feel you are stuck in a body that is the opposite gender of your heart and soul is life altering, and the way you view yourself and everything around you changes, and your world is never the same again.  From that moment, it seems that no matter what you do to try and make your world livable like any "normal" person's, nothing you try and try to do will make the grass around you grow correctly, and the endless despair of it is deafening and heart breaking.  The only light that can usually be seen by someone in this situation is the light of changing their orientation, and to physically become the gender they truly feel they are in their heart and soul.  In the end it seems this is their only option, and they would gladly pay any price to make the life in their heart a reality...to not make the grass change the direction it is growing, but to change their physical selves in order to live in the world that feels correct and true which is rooted deep with in their very being.  In doing this, in a sense, their world turns upside down and they find themselves on the other path that was barred to them from the beginning of their life, and surrounding them is the green grass that they had always been told existed.  Nothing about the grass has changed, its' position is fixed and unmovable, but in changing their physical gender, they have

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This is the view I had back before I started hormone therapy and started becoming the woman I've always felt like inside.  The part about the grass being fixed and immovable seems inaccurate to me as I have actually begun to experience the change.  It now seems that as one progresses and listens to their heart and begins to become who they truly are inside, the grass begins to become movable.  They are able to dig up each blade of grass individually, removing the blade side from the soil where it doesn't belong, and planting it roots down the way it was always meant to be.  This process isn't easy and can be very pain staking, but so far for me it is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done for myself.  I have discovered that some of the simplest and most rewarding things in life I had never experienced, things as simple as truly smiling spontaneously because you are enjoying yourself.  In truth, before hormone therapy, I had never truly smiled in my entire life.

This being said, I am leaving my analogy incomplete for the time being.  As I continue to experience the change and can truly illustrate what is going on, I will finish writing this.  I decided to post it incomplete for a couple of reasons.  One, I have been told by several people who I have shared this with that I should share it.  Two, because it will be a while yet before I can complete this, so if it can be of any use to anyone, I want to share it.

In closing, all of you out there going through this hardest of trials in life, I give you my love and wish you the best! =D

-Ashley