The All Encompassing Reach

 For any skeptics reading this particular post, you may need to take a leaf out of the book of many a mystery novel readers and read the last bit first ;-)

You know that feeling after watching a movie or TV show where you've put yourself into the life of the person who's fictitious story you've just watched, and you feel like one of the characters who was portrayed within the story?  Well, this post could be partially in reaction to that feeling...I did just finish watching an episode of "Smallville" in season 3 called "Shattered" where Lex Luthor has been drugged and is trying to be made out as crazy and unbelievable.  With that thought it mind, I write this post, but I think it is accurate or I wouldn't be writing/posting it =)

For almost as long as I can remember, I've been looking for answers to my current issues.  In the beginning my issues were viewed by my therapists only as, for example, and addiction to pornography.  This is accurate enough at the time, but completely and totally incomplete to the whole reason to why the issue even existed.  When I was about 7 years old, I went looking online for answer to, little as I could imagine at that point in my life, were my gender issues.  Instead of finding some of the help that I can find at this point in time, not only from the expansion of the internet, but also with my increased intellect from my additional 16 years of life, I found pictures of naked women...

In any case, cutting the soap opera short, from about as far back as I can remember, I've been looking for answers to my questions concerning my gender, and who I really was.  If you can think of something that might could give me answers to these questions, I've probably tried it, or something closely related.  Here is where the crazy part comes into play, and my story could be come unbelievable.  Through various forms of meditation, yoga, spiritual awareness, etc, I have become quite in tune with the functioning of my body, even to the point where what I'm doing could be considered "voodoo."  I even refer to what I'm doing as voodoo most of the time, because if I didn't feel for myself what was going on, I wouldn't believe it for anything.  I'm quite hesitant to believe it at this point in in time, but all the changes I've felt with my body, well, let's just say that after a while with the number of coincidences continuing to add up, I'm starting to become a believer (though admittedly a large part of me is waiting for, shall we say, conversion, until after the results of my next CT scan in 3 days.)

Assuming that I am correct and that I shouldn't be locked away in a padded white walled room with a nice warm, tight new jacket to wear, and I am an intersex individual and am not suffering from gender identity disorder, I've had quite the change in the functionality of my mind the past 48 hours or so.  Again, I'm hard pressed to believe this, but I swear that I've felt the changes in my brain as I've focused and made the changes into a physical reality for myself.  I feel that I've been able to balance my body (through the meditation etc) so that it functions on female hormones alone, and not male hormones, or a split between the 2 as I have my entire life.  And feeling that immediate change in my body, actually feeling the male hormones drain out of my brain and later for a while some fatigue as my body got used to the change, is/was quite amazing.  At this point in time, if I'm reading my body correctly, there are no male hormones running through my system (though some testosterone is needed in the female body, at this point in time I've blocked it from entering my system) and my mind is far more clear that it has been in my entire life =D  it is an amazing feeling to have that slight cloud, that constant buzz inside your head go away.  It is a feeling that I sure hope is actually in reality and not some vain imagination of my mind.


The last bit ;-)

The final sane note to this post:

I know my theories seem crazy from the outside, but for a final sane point to this post, no matter if I am crazy or not, one glaringly huge fact remains true.  Those of us who deal with gender issues on a daily basis live in a world not of our choosing, where confusions such as these are seemingly our only constant and ever present companions.  Our conditions are as REAL as anyone who has cancer or who has lost an arm or a leg in a car accident, and like these conditions, it affects every aspect of our lives.

Every day, often countless times a day, we question man's very first, unseen assumption, the assumption of our outward gender, and there is no aspect of life left untouched by its all encompassing reach.



PS: I know, I didn't use the right formatting for the media that I mentioned, but it's late, I'm tired, and maybe I'll fix it at some point, but as for now, I don't care and we can pretend that maybe it is correct =D

Content with life and who you are

I'm in class right now, and it's a party day.  Looking around I see groups of happy people, eating junk food, listening to the background music, talking, laughing, and having a great time.  Through my entire life, or at least the parts I can remember, I've never been able to relax and enjoy myself like I'm watching everyone here now doing.  Trust me, I've tried to be myself and enjoy it, especially in group settings, but when your base belief of who you are has never felt right, it seems impossible to me.  That belief has the ability to control every aspect of your life, and nothing escapes its shrouding blanket of control.  If you aren't male or female (physically or otherwise), then what are you?  It becomes difficult to even take religious answers like "you are a beloved son (or daughter) of God."  And what place can you have in this world (or the next)?  You can't do hardly anything without claiming male or female, and having real proof to back that claim up, and lets face it, it has to be quite obvious or you get labled as some kind of pervert or freak (staying within the nicer labels anyway.)  Being comfortable with who I am is the base of my desires with sorting out my gender issues.  Every other aspect of life will then have the ability to eventually fall into place, and though it won't make life perfect, it will give a set of problems that can be faced in a way where fitting into life and society is completely doable.  Or at least far more so than before.

Craving girl time...what does that even mean?

Okay, this is a step up from wanting to join in with the girl talk at work (which I have to a degree the last little bit), and I don't even know what it means really, but last night I was desperately craving girl time.  It looks like one of the girls from work is probably going to be getting married soon, so that was the talk from last night that triggered these feelings.  While talking with them about it, everything from her family, to dresses, to parties, receptions...the excitement of it was nothing like I've ever felt before.  I've had people I've considered better friends than the girl from work get married, and it's nothing like the feelings/thoughts from then.  I don't even know how to explain it, just me feeling far more girlish is the only discernible difference, but it was definatly different, either that or I keep becoming more and more insane by the day.

Further study on "intersex" conditions

In the last month or a little more, my symptoms have quickly turned from the more traditional physiological conditions of "Gender Dysphoria" (or more commonly known as "Gender Identity Disorder" or "GID") to far more of a physical condition that seems to fit with a term I recently found called "intersex."  I don't know a lot at this point in time, but I was excited with the new information and wanted to share.  From one source (which I will share in a moment) it says that 1 in 2000 infants born in the US have an intersex condition, though many of those affected by it can go their whole lives and not notice a difference, while for others, let's just say for now they do notice a difference.

"It is common to believe that all people fall into one of two categories — female or male. But that is not true. Some people are born with external sex organs that are not easily identifiable as female or male. Other people have sex chromosomes that are different from the usual XX (female) or XY (male). People whose biological sex is not clear in these ways have intersex conditions. About 1 in 2,000 people born in the U.S. is intersex. There are many different ways that intersex conditions appear."

- http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/sexual-orientation-gender/female-male-intersex-26531.htm

This quote was taken from a site that should be fairly reliable (near as I've heard and had gotten help from them in the past for family members),  though I will continue my research and post some finds here as I come across them.

To kind of wrap up my thoughts on this subject at the moment, I just want to say that it seems my condition is not as rare as it seemed, and I'm not as alone as I thought I was, and it is a great comfort to me to have this new information =)

Only patience, no instant gratification...

It isn't possible to go into debt for the world's instant gratification desires when it comes to waiting for your body to make certain changes, and patience is something I've ever been good at.  Guess I get to try to learn some patience the hard way...and, shall we say, I'm not liking it much at all...

First thing when I'm finally me :)

First thing I want to do when I'm finally me, though it will take the longest of the firsts I want to do lol, is to start growing my hair down to at least my waist.  I LOVE long flowing hair and am totally jealous when I see women with hair like that.  Now, I'll probably get half way there or less and decide it is too much work, but I sure am going to try :D

It's the simple things in life

It's the simple things in life like having painted toenails that can make you smile :)

Girl talk again

Lately I've felt so much more comfortable with being more like the person I feel like inside.  I don't go around dressed like a woman (let's face it, at this point I don't look it, and it just doesn't work, at least for me) but I've let me come out and be who I feel like.  I'm not "out" by any means, but it is an amazingly freeing feeling to be who you are inside, and I love the personality I have as a woman, but when I look in the mirror and see a man staring back at me, I know my personality as a woman isn't socially acceptable.  I hate having to smother who I am to attempt to be accepted.